Oh, can’t you see the morning after? It’s waiting right outside the storm. Why don’t we cross the bridge together, and find a place that’s safe and warm? -Maureen McGovern
Ok here we go! The NFL. Week one. The thrills. The spills. Oh, the humanity. Let’s get to this. Like we always knew this. Like Marvin Lewis. Let’s go to the videotape:
Patriots 38 Jets 14: Ooooohhhhh! The Randy Moss pick up will never work. Oooohhhh! Richard Seymour’s hurt. Oooohhhhhh! Rodney Harrison’s out. Oooohhhhh! The linebacker’s are too old. Oooohhhh! The O-Line will never stand up. Ooohhhh! Turn back Gulliver. We’ll never make it. How you like ‘em now? Moonshine Moss caught nine passes. Moss caught nine passes from Tom Brady for 183 yards. For 183 yards and a touchdown in his New England debut. Now do you believe? I do.
Steelers 34 Browns 7: This is the dawning of a new era. Welcome to the Mike Tomlin era. If this is what it’s gonna look like, Pittsburgh fans have to be happy. Don’t worry, be happy. Big Ben Roethlisberger looked happy. Big Ben Roethlisberger looked happy throwing for a career high four TDs. Pittsburgh just owns the Browns. Who owns the Chiefs? Pittsburgh’s eighth win in a row overall. Pittsburgh’s seventh straight in Cleveland. Pittsburgh’s fourteenth in the last fifteen meetings. But this game was about the Brown’s futility as much as anything else. They committed five turnovers and dropped at least as many passes. Quarterback Charlie Frye was pulled in the second quarter after one interception and five sacks. Yickkkk! You can’t win like that. They didn’t. They got crushed. Down the toilet they got flushed. Bum rushed. For the suckers at the door if you’re up and around. For the suckers at the door we’re gonna knock you back down. Yo! Bum rush the show. Free Brady Quinn. The time is now.
Broncos 15 Bills 14: Bills lose in a bahn burnah. Jason Elam last second field goal. Jason Elam last second field goal after missing two earlier. In his fifteen NFL seasons, Jason Elam has never missed three field goals in one game. Yowza! Money. What a game, what a game. Jay Cutler. The new Captain Comeback. Broncos fans know all about the old one. They know all about John Elway. Now, they’re getting to know Jay Cutler. Getting to know you, getting to know all about you. Getting to like you, getting to hope you like me. Getting to know you, putting it my way. But nicely. You are precisely, my cup of tea. Cutler’s Denver’s cup of tea all right. You saw the highlights. You saw Jay throw for more than 300 yards. The first time in six league starts he passed that milestone. Wasn’t always pretty to watch. The last drive was though. Real pretty. Pretty as a picture. A veritable Rembrandt. Return of the Prodigal Son. Two minute drill. Two minute thirteen second drill. Need about forty. Three nail biting third downs. Two excruciating fourth downs. Eighteen seconds left. No time outs left. Cutler drops back. Thread the needle baby! Thread the needle. Javon Walker. Eleven yards. Jason Elam. Ballgame. The ghost of John Elway lives on inside of young Jay Cutler.
Packers 16 Eagles 13: Ted Stroehmann’s boy. Brett Favre. Speaking of John Elway. Favre just tied John Elway’s record for career victories by a starting quarterback with 148. Yowza! Who said he’s all washed up? He didn’t throw for any TDs but if he throws for just six more, he’ll pass No Ring Marino for the most ever. Favre is actually closing in on Marino for all time passing attempts and yards too. With all those milestones erased, what then will be Marino’s legacy?
Cowboys 45 Giants 35: I wanna be a cowboy baby. Ridin’ at night cause I sleep all day. Cowboy baby. I can smell a pig from a mile away. I can smell one too. I smell the New Jersey Giants. Down goes Manning! Down goes Jacobs! Down goes Umenyiora! Down goes the Giants season! Like it ever was up. Big D held a one-point lead at halftime. Came back to score twenty-eight points in the second. Came back to score twenty-eight in the second by throwing T.O. the damn ball. T.O. scored two touchdowns. T.O. ran crazy crossing routes. T.O. made the Giants look foolish. Is it time to start the Boom Goes the Dynamite T.O. Countdown? I think so. It’s gonna be a long season for Tom Coughlin. Or maybe not. He may be gone long before it’s over.
Titans 13 Jaguars 10: Mighty Vince Young. Mighty Vince Young threw for a meager seventy-eight yards. Mighty Vince Young threw for nary a touchdown. Mighty Vince Young did not run for one yard. Mighty Vince Young fumbled. Mighty Vince Young threw an interception. Mighty Vince Young did what Mighty Vince Young always does. Mighty Vince Young won another football game.
Chargers 14 Da Bears 3: San Diego Super Chargers. San Diego Chargers! San Diego Super Charger. San Diego Chargers! Charge! LT. The touchdown maker. The record breaker. The shake and baker. Last year, I loved this cat. How could you not? Then it happened. The playoffs happened. The playoffs happened against by beloved Patriots. He had to open his mouth. You had to be a big shot, didn’t cha. You had to open up your mouth. You had to be a big shot, didn’t cha. All your friends were so knocked out. I was knocked out. Now I hate him. Not that he cares. Mr. Everything took matters into his own hands. Mr. Everything and the San Diego Super Chargers finally took control of a sloppy, sloppy game. Mr. Everything threw for a touchdown and ran for another. And that my friends, was all she wrote.
Lions 36 Raiders 21: There was only one thing I cared about in this game. One thing. One thing only.Calvin Johnson. He did not disappoint. Big Calvin Johnson. Six foot five Calvin Johnson. Man-child Calvin Johnson. You saw it. I saw it. Jon Kitna saw it. Calvin Johnson lined up. He busted free from the giddyup. He got himself wide open across the middle. Monie in the middle. Where she at? In the middle. Yep, Monie’s in the middle. Where that at? In the middle. Kitna finds him. Two giant strides and a dive later, touchdown baby! Touchdown. Were Kitna and the rest of the Lions right? Is this team for real? Who knows? But I’ll be watching. I’ll be watching Calvin Johnson.
Public Acknowledgements: Warner Wolf, Glum, Slapshot, Public Enemy, Oscar Hammerstein, Something About Mary, Kid Rock, Howard Cosell, Billy Joel and Monie Love
Peace out homies. Six Two and Even!