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The NFL play-offs. Things are a little kooky right now. Things are a little murky right now. But don’t worry your pretty little heads right now. I’m gonna play Navajo Code Talker, and break it on down for ya right now. Twenty teams still in the mix. Twenty teams still fighting for their post season lives. One game left and twenty teams. Let’s have us a little look-see, shall we? Sure we shall.
American Football Conference:
AFC East:
1. Pats are already in. Clinched division. Nobody wants to see these cats come play-off time. Nobody. Do you?
2. The New Jersey Jets. Simple. They win, they’re in. Eric the Mangini has his fate in his own hands. He’s got 99 problems, like the running back position, but the pitiful Oakland Raiders ain’t one. No offense. Nothing to play for. Captained by Randy Moonshine Moss. ‘Nuff said. The Jets are in. This is what they are going to do to the Raiders on Sunday:
AFC North
1. Ravens in. Another very scary team.
2. Who dey? Who dey? Who dey think gonna beat them Bengals? The Steelers. This game should not be so difficult. Cincy beat ‘em once already. It all depends who shows up for either team. Jekyl or Hyde. OK, say they take care of their own business. Say they beat the Lace Curtain, then what? Then mon fraire, the Jets have to lose. Ain’t happening. Ok. Bengals win. Jets win. What then for Ocho Cinco and the boys? Then Kansas City has to beat the Jags. Perhaps. And, Denver has to lose to the 49ers. Not happening folks. If everything else falls the Bengals way, dem Broncos still ain’t losing to dem Niners. No how, no way. Bengals out.
AFC South:
1. Colts in. Looking mighty shaky right now. Mighty shaky. Their shaky brings all the boys to the yard. Their shaky ain’t better than yours. Damn right, ain’t better than yours.
2. Mighty Vince Young and the Tennessee Titans. I’m telling you right now, I’m rooting for these cats. I’m telling you right now, they are a very frightening team. That being said, what goes on? First and foremost, they have to be beat the Pats. No easy task. Not this time of year. But who knows who New England will play. This is not a must win game for them. They may be resting dudes. If the Titans do win, then it’s the same as Cincy. The Chiefs have to win and the Broncos have to lose. But, like I said before, dem Broncos ain’t losing to dem Niners. Sorry kid, this ain’t your night. Titans out.
3. The Jags. Fuhgettaboutit. They have to beat the Chiefs. The Jets have to lose. The Bengals and Titans both have to lose. No way. Jags out.
AFC West
1. LaDainian and the Chargers in. Everybody’s choice de jour. Peter Vescey style. Not mine. I don’t trust young Phillip Rivers.
2. The Kansas City Chiefs. They have to win. Denver and the Bengals both have to lose. Nope. They’re out.
3. Like the Jets, all the Broncos need to do is just win baby. Just beat those 49ers. I think they got that. Staples style. If they don’t win, and the Chiefs do, they’re still in. If you win, you win. If you lose, you still win. Joey LaMotta style. I say they’re going to the dance. How long they stay on the floor is another matter altogether.
OK, there you have it for the AFC: Pats, Jets, Ravens, Chargers, Colts and Broncos.
National Football Conference
NFC East
1. Cowboys and Eagles both in.
2. The New York football Giants. If they win, and win strength of victory tiebreaker, they’re in. Hmmm. Strength of victory tiebreaker? No worries, if they win and Green Bay loses to da Bears, they’re in. Da Pack will lose to da Bears. Wow, I didn’t want to pick these guys, but it looks like I have no choice. Boy, the NFC is terrible. If they do lose, then the Pack, the Rams and the Falcons, all have to lose too. All very possible. I gotta pick these guys. I don’t want to, I really don’t like this team of big mouths, but I have to. For the fun of it, we’ll continue.
NFC North
1. Da Bears
2. The Pack has to win and win that kooky strength of victory tiebreaker. Nope. They can’t win. And the Giants have to win. Y’know, all the Packers scenarios depend on them beating the Bears. In my wildest dreams, I just don’t see it. I like Brett Favre as much as the next guy, but. Packers are out. I don’t care who Chicago sits, this is what the Bears are going to do to them:
NFC South
1. The feel good story of the NFL. They ain’t the Ain’ts no more. St. Reggie, Deuce, Marques Colston and Drew Brees. A hurricane ravaged city. What’s not to like?
2. Michael Vick and the Atlanta Falcons. How are these cats still in this thing? Did I say the NFC is terrible yet? I did? Ok. The Falcons have to beat the Eagles. The way those dudes are playing, they’ll give Chicago a run for their money. Not a chance. If they do win, then the Saints have to beat Carolina, the Bears have to beat the Pack and the Rams have to lose to the Vikings. I dunno. Too much other stuff in there. Maybe, but still no.
NFC West
1. The Seattle Seahwaks in. Just gross. A horrible team in a horrible division in a horrible conference. Do these guys scare anyone? Shaggy and Sccoby aren’t even afraid of these cats.
2. The Rams. The Rams can get in if they beat the Vikings. Ok. And, the Giants, Carolina and Atlanta all lose. Too confusing. Rams are out. They should be. They stink.
OK, there you have it. Cowboys, Eagles, Giants, Saints, Seahawks and Bears. A motley crew at best. Where’s Pam Anderson and Heather Locklear when you need them?
Peace out homies. Six two and Even!